Welcome to the Darth Side/Script
girl walks out of the Khaki Barn change rooms in ugly pink clothes. Chrissy applauds. Nikki: "Oh no. You don't want to do that." Kirsten: "Yes she does! That ruffle skirt looks so fetch!" girl smiles and reenters the changing room. Nikki: "Are you demented? That skirt was like two sizes too small!" Kirsten: "Do you mind? We're trying to break last month's sales record!" woman walks out of another stall in a hideous humongous purple poncho. Nikki: "So wrong." Kirsten: "What's your damage, Nikki?" Kristen: "You're supposed to be selling!" Kirsten: the customer "Just look what she's wearing." woman looks at Nikki's clothes, grimaces, and smiles again, once more confident in her sense of fashion. Woman: "Ew." Nikki: "Oh–" girl walks in. She is a blonde, dressed in a red top and blue denim skirt. She looks exactly like a clone. Nikki: gasping "They're breeding." Kirsten: "Oh, do you know what outfit would be so great on you?" Ashley: "The wide-leg crop pants with the lavender tank?" Kirsten: amazed "You must have, like, ESPN." Ashley: giggling "I'm here to drop off my resume." Kirsten: "I'm Kirsten, this is Kristen and that's Chrissy." Chrissy: "Hi!" Ashley: "Hi!" Kristen and Kirsten: "Hi!" Ashley: "Omigosh, those are such cute capris, Kristen!" Kristen: "Oh no, I love your skirt." Kirsten: "Me too! Chrissy, don't you just love Ashley's skirt?" Chrissy: "It's so totally cute!" Kirsten: "Way off the cute-o-meter." Kristen: "We love meeting people just like us!" Kirsten: "Or exactly like us." Chrissy: "I know, right?" The Clones and Ashley: "EEEEEEEEEE–" The Clones, Ashley, and Nikki: "EEEEEEE–" Nikki: "–NOUGH! AAAAAAHHHH!" storms off. Ashley: "Ugh. Have a cow, why don't you." Chrissy: "Oh, I know. She has like ten cows a week." ---- The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is '''Welcome to the Darth Side' ---- ''gang minus Jen are around the table. Nikki: "There's a fourth clone hanging out at the Barn now. And to top it off, the low-slung denim capris just came in. Yuck." Caitlin: "Ooh! Are they dark wash or vintage?" Darth: past "Good morning, princess." Nikki: "Ugh." slams her head on the table. Jen: up with a purse on her arm "Yo, what's up?" Caitlin: "Hey! What's with the bag?" Jen: "Chocolate covered jellybeans. And you guys all have to buy some." Wyatt: "Uh-uh, sounds nasty." Jen: "It's team fundraising week. Whoever raises the most money wins new equipment. I've already picked out my snowboard!" Wyatt: "Fine. I'll take one." hands over a fiver and gets a box. The rest of the gang also hand over some money. Jude: "Mmm. These are–" Wyatt: "Disgusting!" Ron: "What's going on here, punks?" Jude: full "Chocolate covered jellybeans." Jen: "Would you like to buy some to support my snowboarding team?" Ron: "Do they come in a yellow-and-red striped box with black writing?" holds a box up. "I don't believe it. Those are the beans I had in my boyhood days." Jonesy: "What's he doing?" is lost in a memory. Suddenly, he snaps back to reality. Ron: "I'll take two boxes. But let's be clear about one thing. I'm not supporting your little cause." Jen: "Uh, okay." Ron: "And don't think I don't know what you're up to, maggots." walks away, tossing jellybeans into his mouth as he goes. He smiles. ---- is napping at the Khaki Barn when a voice disturbs her. Darth: "Hello, Nikki." opens her eyes and sees Darth far too close to her. Nikki: "GYAAAAHHH!!!" falls backward. "Oh..." her way up again "What's up, Yoda?" Darth: "You're looking ravishing today." Nikki: "I thought we'd been over this." Darth: "Give up hope? A Jedi never does. But here to see you, I am not." walks by, and they wave to each other. "She likes me. Can't get enough of the uh, 'Darth Side,' if you know what I mean." Nikki: "That's great, Darth. Listen, I've got folding to do?" Darth: "I'll be browsing women's knits." walks through the store. When he passes Chrissy, he clicks his tongue. He enters the back room and beckons to her. After a glance about the store, Chrissy follows him. Nikki: "Darth and Chrissy? What do we have here?" sneaks over to the door and eavesdrops. Chrissy: "I told you never to come here!" Darth: "How else was I supposed to know how to get to your house?" Nikki: "Her house?" Chrissy: "Ssh! If anyone ever finds out I'm a member of the Jedi Knight Club, I'll die of embarrassment!" Darth: Yoda's voice "Afraid of your Jedi heritage, you should not be." turns around and chuckles, back against the door. The door gives way, and she falls in. Nikki: "Whoa!" up fast "Oops. Hi. Uh, just looking for the, uh, the new vintage wash–oh, who am I kidding!" points at Chrissy and laughs. Chrissy: "Listen to me, Nikki! If you ever tell anyone about this, you're so fired!" Nikki: "Okay! Okay. Okay. I promise." walks out of the storeroom laughing. ---- Nikki has told all her friends the story, and they're laughing as well. Jonesy: "The Jedi Knight Club? Chrissy?" Nikki: "I know! I think this is the best day of my life." Jonesy: "So, are you gonna send out an email to the whole school or save it for the morning announcements?" Nikki: "Trust me, I wish I could do both. But I need this job, so do not say anything. I mean it, Jonesy." Jonesy: "I understand. You can't annoy the bossman. Gotta make the cheese. The cheddar. The mozzarella." Jen: "Okay, we've got the point." Jonesy: "Which is why, as of today, I'm selling the world's first environmentally friendly plastic wrap on behalf of our school's senior hockey team. Nikki, didn't you say you needed a box?" Nikki: "No." Jonesy: "Oh, because I thought I heard Chrissy telling me that you did. Or was she telling her Jedi friends?" grins widely. Nikki snatches the box and hands over some money. Nikki: "Extortionist." Jonesy: "Thank you." Jen: "Wait a minute! Oh, no you don't! You can not be competing for that grand prize!" Jonesy: "I'm gonna enjoy all that new hockey equipment." Jen: "Oh no you're not. Because I'm gonna win." Jonesy: "That sounds like a bet." Jen: "Oh, it's a bet all right. I bet that I'll blow you away!" Jonesy: "You're on!" Wyatt: "Oh, here we go." ---- walks into the Penalty Box. He heads right for Jen. Ron: whispering "I'm here for the jellybeans." Coach Halder: "No selling on the job, Masterson! Except, of course, to me." a mouthful of jellybeans "Mmm, these are really good." swallowing "Now drop and give me twenty!" drops. She is just below the counter. Jen: whispering "Big Squeeze, eleven o'clock." Coach Halder: "NOW!" ---- walks through the food court. She sees a familiar face behind a pillar. Jen: "Ah-ha." walks over to the pillar. Ron: whispering "Jellybeans." hands over three packs of jellybeans and gets fifteen dollars for her trouble. ---- the Khaki Barn, Kirsten is training Ashley. Kirsten: "And this is where we keep the refund slips, and the credit notes. Oh, I so wish we could hire you!" at Nikki "She doesn't do anything around here." Nikki: "She's got a point." walks in with his wagonload of plastic wrap. Jonesy: "Yo, Chrissy, wanna buy some plastic wrap?" Chrissy: "Why would I wanna do that?" Jonesy: "'Cause you want to look like this." shows off his plastic-wrapped legs, and the Clones laugh. Nikki: "Ugh!" Jonesy: "Laugh if you want, but cellophane's the new cashmere. It's sheer, sexy, and doesn't breathe so you sweat off those extra pounds." Kirsten: "Really?" Jonesy: "Yep. Lindsay Lohanigan wore cellophane to the V8-1 fashion awards. It's hot." Kirsten: "I'll take two!" buys them. "Eep! I'm gonna make a plastic wrap poncho!" Kristen: "Omigosh! Me too!" Nikki: "Unbelievable." and Jonesy wrap Kristen and Kirsten in plastic wrap, and the cellophane-clad girls squeal. Jonesy: "It's also good for protecting things of value, like your Vintage Original-Issue Lightsaber Replica." and Nikki gasp. Kirsten: "A light-whattica?" Jonesy: "Nothing! Forget I said anything! Chrissy is not in Darth's Jedi Knight Club." gasps. Jonesy slaps his hand over his mouth. Kristen: "You're in a Star Wars club?" Chrissy: "Nikki!" Nikki: "Jonesy!" Jonesy: "Oops." Chrissy: "You promised you'd keep your big mouth shut!" Nikki: "Oh, c'mon, Chrissy, it's just Jonesy. I-I'll tell you a ton of his embarrassing secrets." Jonesy: "I heard that!" Chrissy: "Nikki! You backstabbing non-Khaki-Barn-wearing pain-in-my-butt jerk! You're fired!" in the store gasps; Nikki and Jonesy are shocked, while Kristen and Kirsten are happy. Chrissy: "Ashley, you're hired." Kristen, Kirsten, and Ashley: "EEEEEEEEE!!!" ---- gang is gathered around the table. Caitlin: "You sold Nikki out for plastic wrap?" Jonesy: "It was an accident!" Nikki: "Well your little accident means I have to find a new job." Wyatt: "Don't worry. If Jonesy can find a new job each week, so can you." Nikki: "Hmm. Okay." ---- is being interviewed at Wonder Taco. Julie: "You'll have to wear the taco hat and learn the Wonder Taco anthem, you know." poorly "Feeling hungry, have no fear. Wonder Taco is always near." bursts into laughter and walks away. ---- is trying to return tennis balls. Coach Halder: "Okay, Wong. Tell me why I should hire you if you can't return a pansy little lob." tennis ball hits Nikki in the head and knocks her over. ---- newest attempt is at Frilly and Pink. Salesgirl: "We just got these in. Pink. Khakis." Nikki: "Uh..." gives up and leaves. ---- Nikki: "Well, I've never actually, y'know, done a tattoo before, but, I can learn on the job, right?" tattoo artist looks at her and growls. ---- is walking through the mall when she comes to Stereo Shack. She moans and goes in. ---- and Wyatt are at work. Jude: "Dude, check it out. I was talking to this sweet babe, and she said she thinks you're cute." Wyatt: "Really? Who is she?" Jude: "I didn't get her name, but I met her at the food court. She eats a lot of chicken. I told her to drop by. Here she comes now." familiar redhead walks through the doors of Underground Video. Wyatt: whispering "BAAAAH! There's Lydia!" ducks behind the counter. Jude: "How'd you know her nam–" Wyatt: whispering "Freaky Lydia? The one who stalked Jonesy? Ring a bell?" dives under the counter as well. Lydia walks up. Lydia: "Hi, Jude. I'm here to see Wyatt." Jude: a falsetto, using his hat as a hand puppet "Um, Wyatt and Jude aren't here right now." Lydia: twitching "Oh, okay. Do you know when they'll be back?" Jude: "Uh..." walks in. Lydia: "Hi Wyatt!" Wayne: "I don't wanna burst your bubble, honey, but I'm Wayne?" Lydia: "I'm Lydia! I'm here for our date. Look, I brought chicken nuggets." Wayne: "Sweet." offers her his arm, and he and Lydia walk out of the store arm in arm, Wayne blissfully unaware of the relationship horror in store. Jude: "Lydia thought Wayne was you, dude!" Wyatt: "I don't know how, but I'm not complaining." ---- is waiting outside the Penalty Box by a square of greenery. Ron: "Psst! Over here!" peeks out of the bushes. "You got the stuff?" Jen: "You got the cash?" Ron: over money, voice shaking "Give it to me. Give it to me now." hands over a box and Ron tears into it voraciously. ---- is playing with his lightsaber. Suddenly, Nikki grabs the tip of it. Darth rushes over. Darth: "To what do I owe this pleasure?" Nikki: "I need a job." Darth: "You start now!" runs off and comes back with a Slave Leia costume. "Here's your uniform!" Nikki: him away "Drop dead." Darth: "The power of the force is strong with this one." ---- is breathing heavily into Nikki's ear. He coughs and takes a sip from his inhaler. He then resumes his breathing. Julie walks into the store. Julie: "Hi Darth!" eyes widen and she stops dead. Darth waves to her with one hand, his other arm around Nikki. Tears come to Julie's eyes and, with a sob, she runs out of the store. Nikki thunks her head on the counter. Nikki: "This is the end." Darth: a Yoda imitation "No, only the beginning, it is." groans. ---- gang are gathered around the table. Nikki: "Oh, Darth is way worse than the clones! What was I thinking? Oh, I'm less employable than Jonesy!" Wyatt: "C'mon, guys. Darth isn't so bad." Nikki: "Easy for you to say! He doesn't have a crush on you!" Caitlin: "If you don't want Darth crushing on you, all we need to do is find someone else for him to like." Nikki: "You know, that's not a bad idea." walks by. "And I know just the girl." ---- is sitting on a bench with her bag of jellybeans, hood drawn tight. Ron is on the other end, looking disheveled and shaking. He slides a billfold down the bench. Jen takes it and slides a case containing several boxes of jellybeans down the bench. Ron takes it and leaves. Jonesy: "What are you doing with our sworn enemy?" Jen: her hood "A sale is a sale, Jonesy, and I just unloaded a twelve-pack." Jonesy: "Well you might as well quit now. I was born to sell! Besides, I've got much better people skills, and I'm better looking than you." Jen: "Oh that is it. It is so on." Jonesy: "Bring it, baby!" ---- and Jen are selling right next to each other at the fountain. Jen: "Get your chocolate-covered jellybeans here!" Jonesy: "Yeah, if you want diarrhea! Looking for something that's actually useful? Buy my cellophane wrap!" Jen: "It's cheap and it leaks!" old lady passes by, and she steps in front of the senior citizen. "Good afternoon, ma'am. Support our high school snowboard team?" lady picks up a box. Jonesy: whispering "Her candy's made from car wax." old lady quickly gives Jen the candy back. Jonesy, seeing three baby-toting customers, rushes over to them. "Ladies, have I got a time-saver for you. Environmentally friendly, too." Jen: a sheet "Observe! This plastic wrap chokes small children!" women quickly give Jonesy the wrap back and walk onwards. Jonesy: advertising "This is high-quality stuff, people, made from the very best, uh, uh stuff around!" Jen: "Got a sweet tooth? Get your delicious chocolate-covered jellybeans here! They make great gifts!" wets his finger and shoves it into her ear. "GAH! Leave me alone, Jonesy!" Jonesy: "Then go find another location to sell your crappy candy!" Jen: "No way!" shoving match breaks out, and they both end up taking a tumble into the fountain. ---- is showing Nikki around her new job. Darth: "...and this is where we keep the scientific calculators." yawns and slips an arm around Nikki. Nikki: him "Whoa! Back off, Jedi boy. I hate to break it to you, but it's never going to happen." Darth: "Never?" Nikki: "Never!" Darth: "Not a one-in-a-million chance?" Nikki: "Let me put it in a language that you'll understand. There's a better chance that Obi-Wan will join the Sith." Darth: sighing "I see." Nikki: "But, I have an even better idea!" Darth: "Better than you and I making out in a life-size model of the Millenium Falcon?" Nikki: "Ew! Yes. Caitlin and I are hooking you up with someone." Darth: "Who's the lucky girl?" ---- and Caitlin shove Darth into a chair and remove his helmet. Darth: "What are we doing? I thought you were setting me up with Julie!" Caitlin: "We are. But first, we're giving you a makeover!" tools pop out of a box she's brought for the procedure. Darth: "I-I-I don't know about this." Caitlin: "You want Julie to like you, right?" Darth: "Yeah but I-I think she already–" Caitlin: "Just think of it as your transformation. We all go through one." Nikki: "It's not like Anakin became the Dark Lord overnight, right?" Caitlin: "We're just gonna make you a little less...you. Who knows? You might even turn out kind of hot." Nikki: along "Yeah! And then Julie won't be able to keep her hands off you." Darth: "Alright. You may proceed with the hottification process." ---- process begins with a haircut. Caitlin then pulls out a compact and examines her reflection. Nikki: "Caitlin!" Caitlin: "Oh!" turns back to Darth and shows him his reflection. She and Nikki then take him shopping. After several tries, they finally find a style that suits him at the Khaki Barn, and Ashley checks him out. He is at the front of a long line. Kirsten: "Look at her! She's hogging all the customers!" Kristen: "What a corporate social climber. I don't like her anymore." Chrissy: "It was your idea to hire her!" Kristen: "Ugh! Was not!" Kirsten: "Was too!" The Clones: "Hmmph!" Nikki: "Ah, the clone wars have begun." ---- Caitlin, and Darth are standing outside of Grind Me. Caitlin and Nikki have earpieces in. Nikki: "Here's your earpiece." takes it and puts it in. Caitlin: "May the force be with you, Darth." walks in and stands behind Julie. He taps her on the shoulder to get her attention. Julie: "Hi Darth. You look–different." Darth: "I've got...khakis." looks at him oddly, unimpressed. ---- carrying a rubber chicken in one hand, drags Wayne through the food court. Wayne: "Leave me alone! I told you, you are not my girlfriend!" Lydia: "That doesn't mean we can't still go out!" Wayne: "GUH!" and Jen walk to their normal table, exhausted. Jonesy: "I can't do this anymore." Jen: on the table "Truce?" Jonesy: into a chair "Truce." Ron: "Psst!" walks over. "Yo! Jellybean girl! I need to make another purchase!" holds up a credit card. Jen: "I don't take plastic!" Ron: horrible "I'm outta cash!" Jen: "Then you're outta luck, copper!" Ron: on a stray piece of paper "This is an IOU. I'm good for it." Jen: "You show me the cash, I show you the goods! Get it?" Ron: up, seething "How about you forget the cash, and show me your permit, punk." Jen: "My permit, eh? Do I need one?" Ron: "Yes. Yes you do. I'm arresting you for solicitation without a permit, hand over the merchandise." Jen: "You can't do that!" Jonesy: "Is there a problem here, officer?" Ron: "I just want the candy, maggots!" Jonesy: "That, will cost you." grabs Jen's bag and makes a run for it. Ron: "Hey, come back here with that!" gives chase. Jonesy: the bag over the fountain waters "You arrest us and I'm dumping it! All of it!" Ron: "No! We can work something out! N-no need to do anything rash!" Jonesy: "I have an idea. You look like a man who could use some cellophane wrap. And I take IOUs." ---- Jude, and Wayne are at work, staring at a rubber chicken Lydia left on the counter. Wayne: "That Lydia is one messed up chick." Lydia: "Hi!" and Wayne duck beneath the counter. Lydia walks up to Wyatt carrying a stuffed rooster. Lydia: "Wyatt! I had such a great time on our date yesterday." Wyatt: "Um, that wasn't me." Jude: to Wayne "Dude! Now she thinks Wyatt is you!" Lydia: up the stuffed bird "This is for you! I made it in taxidermy class, I got an A." ---- and Darth are making out, braces stuck together. Caitlin: the earpiece "Darth? How's it going? All I hear are muffled slobbery sounds." and Julie fall apart with a smash. ---- is in the Stereo Shack, an ice pack pressed to his mouth. Caitlin: "Was it as bad as it sounded?" Darth: "It was worse than when the Republic failed to defeat the Confederacy, leading to the destruction of the Jedi order as it once was." tearful "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to be alone." hand taps him on the shoulder. Julie: "I brought back some of the rubber bands that you left in my hair from your braces–you put your cape back on! I love a man in a cape!" grins, and Nikki and Caitlin share a smile. ---- is crawling on the counter. Lydia: "Come to me, Wyatt-cookie-poo-poo!" backing away, backs into his crouched friends, who leap up. Jude: "Ow! Chill out, chicken girl!" Lydia: "I didn't know you had an identical twin!" Wyatt: "We're not twins! I'm black, and he's white!" Wayne: laughing "And you're crazy." Lydia: "Oh my gosh. I'll have to make you another chicken." Jude: "Wait. Um, the Wyatts are allergic to chicken, and that guy likes you." points at a random customer. Lydia: "Really? He's cute. Okay, bye." the guy Jude indicated "Wyatt! Wait up for me!" ---- and Nikki are at work. Nikki: "So, how'd things go with Julie?" Darth: "Great! She likes me for my inner beauty and my skills with the lightsaber! Oh, and BTW, you're fired." Nikki: "Fired? You can't fire me just because you got a new girlfriend." Darth: "Okay, then I'll fire you because you stink at your job." Nikki: "I do not!" Darth: "Where are the positronic calculators?" stands silent. "The three-amp transmitters?" Silence. "The headphones." heaves a sigh. Nikki: "Okay, fair enough. So, where's Julie?" looks towards the back. Julie walks out wearing the Slave Leia costume Nikki refused earlier. Darth: "Looking good, baby. Looking good." Nikki: out, to herself "Ugh! If only he'd fired me just one second sooner." ---- gang are gathered around the table. Nikki: "I can't believe I got fired. Again." Jonesy: "Glad to see I rubbed off on you." Caitlin: "I don't think the Clones like the new girl very much. Why don't you just beg for your old job back?" Nikki: "Beg to work at the Khaki Barn? Well, it could be worse." realizing "No wait. It really couldn't." ---- walks into the Khaki Barn, shoulders slumped. Kirsten dashes up to her. Kirsten: "Look Chrissy! It's Nikki! EEEEEE!" pulls Nikki over to the other Clones. Nikki: "Listen, Chrissy, I–" Chrissy: "Do you want your old job back?" Nikki: "Um..." The Clones: "Pleeeeeaaaaassssseeee???" Nikki: "Well...I'd require a ten percent raise of course. And two more breaks per day." Chrissy: "You're hired! Ashley, you're fired." Kristen: "Yay! Nikki's back." Nikki: "I thought you hated me." Kirsten: "Well, we did. But then having Ashley around made us realize something." Chrissy: "She hustled like all of our sales. You let us get all the commissions." Kristen: "Yeah, you're like so useless at sales? That's why we love you." Nikki: "Aw, thanks girls." ---- gang is gathered around the table. Jude: "Rockin the old job, very nice." Nikki: "Yep. I kinda missed messing up the sweater vests." and Julie stop in the middle of the food court and kiss. Lydia chases her chosen boy with the rooster. Jonesy: out "Just run, dude! Run!" Caitlin: "Got any more of those jellybeans?" Jen: "Uh-uh." Nikki: "You got rid of them all?" Jonesy: "And all my plastic wrap." Jen: "We're gonna split the prize." Wyatt: "Where'd you put it all?" walks by with a wagonful of plastic wrap and jellybeans. The gang laughs at him as Darth and Julie continue their makeout session. Category:Season 2